greattao 的个人资料Mind of Jesse -- 这里停止更新，...日志列表留言簿更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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2006/7/27 It Was RainingWith the affection of the typhoon, it was rainning since yesterday morning. Thunder and lightning too. Non-stop rainning made me feel the beautiful South again. This kind of feeling could just come twice a year after entering into the university. Staring at the thick raindrops, I imagined the weather of Beijing. Sunny? Or thundershower at night additionally? Many schoolmates chose to stay at BNU? What were they doing now? Sleeping, surfing on the Internet, playing games or Kara OK? Don't they miss their family, their hometown? Living on the campus may not feel well. The insipid food, a shower every other day, hot weather and mosquitoes? All these things are what I couldn't bear. So I escaped from the dormitory as early as possible.
But when I arrived home, I found that many things changing quietly. Just a few fellows were back. Many of them still stayed in other cities. No person chatting with, no person playing with, no person travelling with. There was myself in such a big place. That's too lonely. Suddenly, I clicked. I was aware that we were grown-up. We couldn't rely on parents any longer. At least economic independence is required. So some do part-time jobs this summer holidays. Although it's toilsome. And even some boys stay at shool in order to accompany their girlfriends. Xiao Zhao is of this kind. Fortunately, I am still single. At present the family is my exclusive concern. After all I only have a pair of parents. I always think a lot of filial respect. And continuously.
Now that few fellows back, I just fool around every day. The daily life is ruleless too. Like dreaming, I don't know the exact time. The schedule doesn't work. I could sleep until the next noon without caring about the rising sun. It's comfortable, but ugly. In fact, I'm sick of this life style. It shows too much depression. But I have no choice.
So I'm trying my best to regulate everything. Tomorrow one of my friends will return from Wuhan. I wish that this can be an activator of my weary life. It had better bring some fresh feelings. We have planed to enjoy several days in Lushan. Although the distance between Lushan and my house is less than ten kilometres. We expect the cool weather there would give us more clear air and limpid water. I treat this as my baptism into soul. It will be better than staying at home, I think.
This afternoon, when I read a newspaper, an article said that over 45 million people clicked Xu Jinglei's blog on SINA. That's the celebrity's effect. Presently, my Space statistics is only 2312. Too bad. Maybe I need to give publicity to the URL. But I don't mean to do that for the moment. That's because some of friends who know my Space URL rarely visit this Space. Some articles in this Space are for specific people. Sometimes I think about the purpose of writing blogs. For myself? Of course not. It makes me depressed. It's a sentence a professor of PKU said that gives me determination of continuation.
He ever said" If you keep a diary, the diary will keep you."
So I am keeping a diary. 2006/7/24 About LoveLove me little, but love me long.
Love is like wind, you cannot touch and see it, but you can feel it.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. 2006/7/16 Leaving & ArrivingAfter a 17 hours' tour, I arrived home this dawn. Fortunately, there was a friend who went along with me. So, I din't feel tired. To my surprise, Dad came to the station for picking me up. I told him not to get up early yesterday, but he came finally. It made me moved.
Not beyond my imagination, it has been raining these days in JJ. That's the real South. Non-stop raining for weeks. Although this kind of weather always makes you wet and cold,I like it. It just likes my current mood, a damp heart. How can I describe this summer holidays? I have no idea.
Just like the summer rain? Maybe.
What shall I do in the following days? I couldn't fool around. It's a waste of time, of life. I should do some significative things, I think. I will be a junior soon. Planning for the future is indispensable. Japanese, VFP course and driving learing… All of them are so important that I am prepared well for these. Working hard is necessary.
How is my past twenty years? Unromantic or brilliant? Who knows? At least I couldn't.
Some happened in the past several weeks made me unhappy and depressed. But I won't care. Anything, anybody, just gone. Why not concentrate on today?
 2006/7/12 已然如此 不经意间，两个月的暑假已流去四分之一，却没有感到假期的快感和喜悦。取而代之的是麻木，麻木的希望长假不发生。从来都没有遇到如此悲惨的境地。每天依然过着学习的日子，起床，上课，吃饭，睡觉，和平常一样，只是起的更早，吃的更少，听的更认真，遭受的也更沉重……众多的比较级一起出现，带来的却是最悲惨的境地。世界杯是催化剂，让本已紊乱的生物钟更加紊乱。实践周则扮演着推波助懒的角色。每天早起，晚睡或不睡，换回的却不只是一丝的怀疑。怀疑自己能不能继续，怀疑自己能不能胜任。怀疑下去，最后怨念横生。 突然觉得压力好大，一种从未有过的难言在压迫着你。我不知道每天两小时的睡眠意味着什么。大脑在接受摧残，莫名的迷惘才下眉头，却上心头。能够感知的只有无助的悲哀。项目、论文已经让人不堪重负，还得承受寒酸的压抑和无端的揣测。只能在沉默中灭亡了。 仅此而已。 其实6月后段发生的种种已经宣告实践周的注定残缺。遗憾的是当时并未引起足够的警觉。面对现今的境况，我不得不思量究竟该不该有实践周。当初选课时的希冀和憧憬与现在的失落相差太大，如果没有选择实践周的话，现在就可以在家中尽享假日的欢娱了。先前遇到过承诺，接受过要约。一定也有过一厢情愿。回想起来，当时有过的只是要约邀请。其实打击也不算大，只是来的太突然，突然的让你都来不及承认那些打击正在发生。选择逃避吗？当然不是。让寂静充当最好的惩罚，虽然并不总是如此。 残念还在，只需一小步——挽回依然。 可是行将离开。 2006/7/3 活着 突然这么说，或许有些宿命论的感觉。庆幸的是我还活着，可悲的是我仍然活着。
人为什么活着？这是一个永恒的话题，只是不同的时间段被提及的热度不同罢了。前天一位同学问我，为什么有人，人又为什么活着这个世界上？我报以无言的冷笑。很无奈，世界上有太多的WHY永远无法解释，不只是人的生存话题。有关人生，需要回答的太多。似乎一次次的疑问，结果仍然是一次次的疑惑，永久的茫然，毫无裨益。
六天前的上午，管理学院一博导从主楼跳下，选择了以匀加速运动的方式结束还未走过六十年的生命。以中国人惯有的思维看，算是开创了中国高校自杀级别新记录。消息传来，一直不敢深信。现今，谣言太多，欺骗太多。开始还猜想是位学生，或是感情失意，或是工作难觅。得到证实后，惊诧后一阵惋惜。不停的问自己为什么。也许在外人看来，博导是大学里最惬意的人，该有的都有了，金钱、荣誉、地位样样俱全，还有什么遗憾的呢？这也再次让我为生命的脆弱所深深震撼。缔造一个生命，只需两个人再等待十个月，但结束一个生命，真的只要自己去挥霍那一瞬间。我不知道文教授为什么选择自杀，也不知道其中有什么难言之隐，只知道一个生命就如此的离去，撇下家人，舍弃一切，独自向往如果存在的天堂。不管你是精英还是平民，不管你的知识多丰富，思想多深邃，生命于人都是平等的。要想结束，只需一个念头。博导自杀，不知道是想向我们证明什么。是生命的脆弱，还是人世的可悲？
那天下午，我也到了文教授自杀的现场。但一切已如往常一样，平平静静，仿佛什么都未发生。难道生命给我们的只是一场游戏？活着的人有时比死去的更漠视生命，不然为何掩饰的如此迅速？有时候，我真的在想如果我走上了主楼顶，接着会发生什么。或许会飘逝在并不蓝的天空中……
昨晚和一帮同学出去聚餐，无奈我方人少，觥筹交错间，寡不敌众，纷纷落败。回来的路上，我真想有人把我送上主楼顶，这样就再也不用和酒精结缘了。在酒精的作用下，我感觉自己坠向了万丈深渊，无底的黑洞，不停的重击，顷刻间变得十分无助。这是喝的最窝囊的一次，人也这么容易被酒精打败。一觉睡到早上7点，仍然身心俱疲。居然还坚持着走进了教室，上那满怀憧憬的管理信息系统。其结果可想而知，一次次的反胃，一次次的呕吐。连胃液都争着出来透气。已然在接受摧残。
也许昨晚就不该外出，不该喝酒。临近期末，感觉压力增加不少，长时间的迷茫，经常的空虚。随时都会支撑不住，面临崩溃。真的在想有一天自己是不是也会猝死。
这个学期失去的太多，人事皆空，考试周更是不尽人意。该怪谁呢？世界杯？互联网？这样说肯定会伤害无辜。怪就怪自己吧。所有的愿望，所有的一切，都已成泡影。更惨烈的是，不断的失意还在继续。每天都有新的伤害接踵而至，不论由谁而来。
不过，我还得活着。——因为自己还未看见活着的价值。 |
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